Forgetting Music

How little is required for pleasure! The sound of a bagpipe. Without music, life would be an error. The German imagines that even God sings songs. - Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols

I've struggled with depression for most of my adulthood. I've had three major depressive episodes since I was 19, and in dysthymia for much of the time in between (my "depressive" days outnumber my non-depressive days, as an adult). Like anyone who's suffered from a debilitating disease for an extended period of time, I've developed coping mechanisms to make myself more productive. For example, I go for long walks by myself in the city, or alternatively, I find a wooded area, preferably one near a creek or small stream, with few signs of civilization, and sit beneath a tree for hours, sometimes with a book, sometimes just listening to the water flow. Usually if I do something like this, I will be more productive for a while afterward. It's something akin to rebooting, I think.

But the simplest and often the most effective coping mechanism I've found is listening to music. Putting on headphones and going about my day with rock, jazz, hip hop, and occasionally "roots" music, is incredibly helpful. Yet, for some reason, one of the symptoms of my depression seems to be forgetting about music. I will go months without listening to anything except when I'm in a store or restaurant with music playing. When I finally "remember" music, I'm always surprised at how it makes me feel. I don't mean "how it makes me feel" in the usual sense, but that it makes me feel. One of the persistent symptoms of depression is a lack of feeling, and music suddenly infuses my entire body with emotion, mostly positive, and it's a revelation. Why then, I wonder, do I always seem to forget music when I'm depressed?